Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
2022 will be better than 2021
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.