@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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@sarcasticmommy4: If you think you're having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn't feel right.
@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET