Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly