Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
bias laundering edition
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑