I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
saving face 👀
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?