I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
O Wise One….
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Breaking news:
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick