@amethystxmatt: turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
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@amydillon: To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."
@chiekshere: [waffle house] Waitress: how do u like your eggs Me: hatched and with their families W: no how do u like them cooked M: [spits out coffee]
@AnitaHelmet: Him: You're married? Me: Well, it's Thursday. So, yeah. Him: What about on Friday? Me: Depends how Thursday goes.