*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird