In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I know
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very