Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?