Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office