@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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@jonnysun: COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
@XplodingUnicorn: I stopped my pig from eating a penny. I don't know why. I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
@JT_IV_: I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.