@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
@hipchkk: I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso's Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
@werehedgehog: Bae: Come over. Romeo: Can't. You're a Capulet, I'm a Montague. Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over. Romeo: Also, you're 13.
@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?