Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I think they could have phrased this better
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is