Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.