Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.