@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble! Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble CW: What was that? Me: You too
@dubstep4dads: that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
@NourHadidi: Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.