Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮