@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
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@JediGigi: Him: Guess what. Me: You got me a dozen puppies? Him: Uh no. Me: 2 dozen puppies? Him: Me: 3 dozen? Him: Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
@lisaxy424: boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING? me: HAHAHA [later] cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING? me: literally never talk to me gary
@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!