@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
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@looktothepickle: [One week into body training] Me: GOD this is taking so long Trainer: how long were you expecting? Me: ...how long is Eye of the Tiger?
@HeyZeus666: Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick: Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.