@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
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@RocketRankoon: [In the middle of shootout] Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?
@QwertyJones3: "Dog Detective, how can I help you?" MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN'T FIND IT "Did you check his hand?" NO HE THREW IT ALR... oh wait
@Thedudish: When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
@fowlerism: [Second day in prison] ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can't play quidditch by myself
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