@looktothepickle: [One week into body training] Me: GOD this is taking so long Trainer: how long were you expecting? Me: ...how long is Eye of the Tiger?

@HeyZeus666: Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.

@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?

@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick: Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@SocialExtortion: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background