turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages đ
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: youâre
him: âŚ
me: hello? hello?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
exec: i have a new band thatâs going to tear up the charts
ceo: whatâs the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: thatâs way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now iâm worried thatâs not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he wonât ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You are what you eat? Iâm about to become sandals
Just once Iâd like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & itâs for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: sheâs fine.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I donât know if this would be classified as âunethicalâ but I have filled my neighbourâs eavestroughs with birdseed.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.