turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.