Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.