Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
You Might Also Like
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
WHY would you be happy about this?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”