@bazlyons: Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.
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@dorsalstream: [being held hostage] ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.
@Squirreljustice: I'm wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
@lynyrdsbackyard: I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.