turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
🤣✨#caturday
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up