turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”