Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.