[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on