[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
May have had one breakfast too many
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’