I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*