HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.