[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I only say stupid things when I talk.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name