[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.