[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
It do be feeling this way.
A man of commitment.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time