[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?