[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
X-tra spooky blend
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.