*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what