@iwearaonesie: toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream* me: Ok [standing in line] me: Do you know what do you want? toddler: Chicken nuggets

@daemonic3: [taking a hearing test] DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you're at work DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

@sgtblueeyes: I told her it's been a while. She told me that was fine. It's just like riding a bike. Now she's mad I checked her for proper inflation

@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.

@jessokfine: If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.