Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
You Might Also Like
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I have a type: disappointing
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Every BBC series about the universe.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.