@PinkCamoTO: "Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell
@iwearaonesie: wife: Can we get a kids menu? waitress *brings one* wife me wife me [already doing the maze] wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
@JumbledButts: Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."
@goldengateblond: Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.