“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
yeah not falling for this one
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air