“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.