Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Hey I worked for it too!
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!