I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
termite twitter scares me
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Where is your GOD now????
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help