TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
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Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]