@iGreenMonk: TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
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@shegotagronk: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 53 times a day, you're an Instagram filter.
@hollyberryness: The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so... I choose sleep.
@Ygrene: [Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here