TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.