TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”