tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
did it work
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.