[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?