[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My wife gives the best headache.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE