[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.