[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap