TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Mornin
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”