Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’m not proud
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.