why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
This raises questions
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.