Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.