‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
looks legit
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!