@TheTweetOfGod: 'Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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@michael_raphone: there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
@rolldiggity: New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
@LostFelicia: A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I'm like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver's license.
@joejwest: [chess tournament] RIVAL: [plays move] ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess! COMMENTATOR: He's won every round this way